Crocus beau

Crocus beau
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

I've been thinking a lot lately about comfortable numbness, and living a dangerous sort of safety. I'd like to be a paradox, but if honest right now I'm more often a contradiciton. I want to be free...as Nicolas Berdyaev so eloquently puts it "it is God who demands that man should be free, and not man himself. Man himself loves servitude and easily comes to terms with it. Freedom is not a right of man but a duty of man before God." I want to live up fully and joyously to that responsibility.

Questions?

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Alright, continuing yesterdays train of thought/blog....Here's a couple from "The Book of Questions"

What was the last song you sang to yourself? Stevie Wonder's "I Love You More Today Than Yesterday"

What would you do if you weren't too inhibited or scared too? Try out for a Broadway musical. Now, those who know me are on the floor laughing at this because they know my complete (as in total. as in full. as in 100%) lack of skills in the singing and dancing arenas....but that's the whole point! To totally give myself over to fun and the loosing of inhibitions and doing something that I know "I can't"...to be willing to be a fool...

Do you feel ill at ease going to a movie, dinner or vacation by yourself? Hmmmm...I rent movies by myself all the time, and if there's some foreign arty flick I can't persuade any one else to go to, I'll go on my own and enjoy it. I wouldn't want to eat dinner in a restaurant on my own, though I often go to coffee houses for work or reading time alone. Vacations, I'm ok with going alone because you meet people along the way, but I prefer to go with someone-in part so you have someone to share the memories with later. However, my life's' biggest regret is not taking an amazing sailing trip I could have because my friend I was supposed to go with backed out....so never again will I turn down a travel opportunity because I'd have to do it on my own.

IF, if, if........

Celtic
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

I have a habit, a little peccadillo if you will, of reading and enjoying the "If" series of books. Basically these are conversation starter books that pose hypothetical questions. I find them fun (yeah yeah call me a nerd!)

Here are a few:
If you were to define what true personal freedom is, what would you say? Well the cliche is, of course, "nothing left to loose" and to a degree I say yes....but maybe not in the way that the Bard Mitchell meant it....for me true personal freedom would come when I loose my attachments to my material goods, when I truly possess them but am not possessed by them. Being able to walk away without regret from all the little "things" that I use to define my existence...to just be...that is freedom.

If you were to complete the phrase "I love my life when....," how would you finish it? hmmm well there are a myriad of ways I can think of to finish this statement...I'll just list two. 1) I love my life when I notice what beautiful music the song of the "ordinary" truly makes. A rather clumsy poetical attempt to note that this universe is alive and God-drenched in wonders we all too often blithely pass on by...to open my eyes and see those wonders and small everyday miracles is to be joyful. 2) I love my life when I live it rather than avoid it. Simplistic? Yes. Simple for me to do? Definitely not.

If you were to name what you have the most compassion for, what would it be?
Those who are rejected and ignored in their misery. Driving down East Vancouver can break your heart.

Finally end on a fun note. If you could have the characters of any painting come to life, which painting would you choose? Well sure there are the great answers like Rembrant's prodigal Son, or the romantic knights and women of J.W. Waterhouse....but in reality it would probably besomething cheesy like this because, really, who wouldn't want a flying horse?

Oh Canada!

Now if only I liked cold weather as much as warm tropical....this is what I would have come up as.....Go Canada!

You're Canada!

People make fun of you a lot, but they're stupid because you've
got a much better life than they do.  In fact, they're probably just jealous.
 You believe in crazy things like human rights and health care and not
dying in the streets, and you end up securing these rights for yourself and
others.  If it weren't for your weird affection for ice hockey, you'd be
the perfect person.
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

Spanish eyes

You're Spain!

You like rain on the plain, as well as interesting architecture and
a diverse number of races and religions.  You like to explore a lot, but sailing,
especially in large groups, never really seems to work out for you.  Beware of pirates
and dictators bearing bombs.  And for heavens' sake, stop running around bulls!
 It's just not safe!
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

And many of my friends thought I'd be Russia.....ha!

hmmmm, maybe.....

Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose. You are a
mystery novel dealing with theology, especially
with catholic vs liberal issues. You search
wisdom and knowledge endlessly, feeling that
learning is essential in life.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

We are the lucky ones....

A preamble to this entry. An amazing opportunity to give to something greater than oursleves is here. This group is doing powerful things. Donations will be matched.
I volunteer with the Red Cross, going to schools giving talks on either a)Poverty/Disease Cycle or b)Children in War. Often at the conclusion of the Poverty/Disease Cycle I read this little piece.

We are the Lucky Ones

If You Can Read........
....then you are luckier than over one billion people who cannot read at all.

If You Woke Up This Morning With More Health Than Illness......
....then you are luckier than the more than
one million people who'll not survive this week...and even luckier if you have accessible care.

If You Have Never Experienced the Danger of Battle, The Loneliness of Imprisonment, The Agony of Torture, Or The Pangs of Starvation......

....then you are ahead of 300 million people in the world.

If You Can Attend Any Meeting You Want -Political, Religious, Social......

.....then you are luckier than 3 billion people in the world.

If You Have Food In the fridge, Cloths On Your Back, A Roof Overhead And A Place To Sleep ......

...then you are richer than 75% of this world.

If You Have Money In the Bank, In Your Wallet, And Spare Change In A dish Someplace......

....then you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

Joseph Stalin once said "One death is a tragedy; a million is a statistic." I do not throw these numbers out to numb the mind or take away from the individual tragedy each represents, but as a reminder to myself. How blessed am I.... What am I doing with that blessing? In the face of God justice kisses the lips of mercy. As a follower of Christ I believe I am called to work against injustice and practice mercy. May I always remember the individual God breathed lives that these numbers represent, may I never become "comfortably numb".

Orange farm

Seeing Eleanor Rigby in the Mirror

on the pavement

A friend recently used the word "Shibboleth" in a blog entry and somehow this locution resonated with me and brought order to some of the cacophony of thoughts and ideas that have been moiling about my mind and soul lately.
What is my search for community about? Is it about finding a way to serve others? Or a way to meet one's own needs. Am I looking to affirm or to be affirmed?
Shibboleth is a term from the Hebrew which represents a linguistic password. It's a way of acknowledging those who are a part of the in group and those who are not. A form of inclusion that is meant to exclude. Those who speak correctly are allowed to live. Those who mispronounce, misunderstand, miss the boat; they are put to the sword. How true in today's disconnected, individualistic, consumer driven, in-group seeking world. People desperately searching for a way in which to belong to something, anything, just so they won't be left alone. Alone to face themselves. Alone to face God, naked, without the comfort of slogans or mantras or inner-ring conceits. C.S. Lewis wrote that the desire to be a part of an "Inner Ring" is one of the most powerful driving forces of human behaviour and thought. In his words "The quest of the Inner Ring will break your hearts unless you break it." (The Weight of Glory) To Lewis both "pining and moping outside Rings that you can never enter" and "passing triumphantly further and further in" are dangerous states of being. In each of those possibilities the rings tighten and strangle the soul that seeks to cleave and find true relationship. Rings like this dictate that you sacrifice your true self on the alter of conformity and that you demand others do the same. A false offering that cannot heal. the smoke does not rise.
Relationship is a good and natural desire. We, created in the very image of a God who is relationship personified, must have connection in order to live. But, fallen and broken we turn what is a thing of beauty and freedom into yet another weapon. One that we believe we are using in self defense, not realizing that those who live by this sword, die by it. How do we take the blade and beat in into a plowshare? In the words of Edward Markham
He drew a circle that shut me out,
heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win;
We drew a circle that took him in.
Love, being a receptical of the enduring never ending eternally inclusionary love of God can turn us from seeking an inner ring to seekers of circles in which the centre is eternal and the circumference nowhere. (apologies to Timaeus of Locris)

Satan Seen at Cinema

random picture-no real relation to this entry

I read a little piece today about a 19 year old man who was forced to leave a theatre amidst cat calls and thrown food. The reason? He was at a showing of Mel Gibson's "The Passion" wearing a bright red devil's costume. Faithful evangelicals upset by his presence demanded his removal and pelted him with food and wrappers (let he without sin throw the kernel?). The theatre owners are now instituting a rule that no one will be given admittance if wearing costumes of evil entities. (I wonder how will they handle Star Wars fans dressing as Vador for Episode 3?) The reason for his attire? He wore it in order to "prove there was no God." If there was a God, surely this God would strike him down for what he was doing. Besides the twisted humour I see in this it did bring up some interesting thoughts.

1) What sort of petty small view of God are we giving the world? A petulant being who is so concerned with self image that he will smite anyone who tries to defy him by wearing a culturally derived costume of Belezabub? A god who does not seem to mind being mocked by those who hate and destroy in his name, but cannot take insolence shown towards a movie? I don't believe in any such god either. God is so much bigger and more than that. However; I fear many Christians project the petty god as the true nature of God. When we decry purple telletubies, when we focus all our energy on hating the sin and none on loving our neighbour, when we become rule bound, legislation living, humourless beings, we paint the picture that the world sees. I imagine the fact that this view of a small god is so prevalent is more an affront to the true God than that red costume ever could be.

2) How much do we worship media and image? In thinking that mocking this movie could be the same as mocking God this young man is a metaphor for the way in which we view our symbols and idols. In thinking that they were defending "God Himself" by defending this movie the Christians in the audience were linking the Represented with the representation. Attempting to ridicule a work of art, is not the same as defiling the Sacred. Mel Gibson made a movie that represented his vision of a portion of the story of God. But it is not, in face, a manifestation of God. This is not a case of touching the Ark of the Covenent or entering the Holy of Holy's. Again, God is being made far to small.
If you decide that wearing a devil's costume is appealing, here is a website for you.

Recanting Resolution Rejection

Earlier in the New Year I thought about not wanting to make resolutions this year; but I've decided to reconsider. I meant every word of my statement of revolution, every breath, every fibre, every heart beat confirms their veracity. However; that said, I think I was a little all-too-serious in tossing aside the notion of resolutions. Life needs a little whimsy (and I love whimsy)and setting goals for the New Year can provide that and give motivation and encouragement to find new paths. So, in the spirit of beginnings I'm going to mix up a New Years Goals List with items on my "Things To Do Before I Die List."
The road to be taken.......

Picking random selections to accomplish by the end of 2005.

1) Read:
The Brothers Karamazov: Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Slaughterhouse Five: Kurt Vonnegut
Krapp's Last Tape: Samuel Beckett
The Glass Bead Game: Hermann Hesse
Phenomenology of Spirit: GWF. Hegel

2) Watch:
A clockwork orange: Movie
A live version of Le' Boheme: Opera
The sun rise and set over the ocean sunset at the same place on the
same day: Life

3) Do:
Organize time better, less procrastination more intentionality (ongoing
goal)
Give "I love knowing you" gifts anonymously, make sure they never find
out ......
Volunteer with the Salvation Army

Learn the names of the "street people" I come in contact with.....
Visit a country I haven't yet set foot upon

Find & purchase a piece of art that I love; in a flea market
Dance like nobody's watching, even when they are

Go camping(yes even though I've spent much of my life in beautiful BC,I've never camped)
Spend a day in silence at the abbey

Do a wine sampling tour
Begin learning Latin

All in all, this looks like the beginnings of an interesting year....but someone out there really got this resolution list right. I am so going to steal this idea

Exceedingly Random Thoughts in the Wee hours of the Morning.....

KFC%20copy
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

I see a new KFC is going up near campus, ach, I hates the friggin KFC, which puts an addictive chemical in theirr chicken that makes you crrave it forrtnightly. Acht! I hate the Colonel, wi' his wee beady eyes.

(props to those who recognize the source quote)

Now for people who REALLY hate KFC.....

Prayer

world on fire
Prayer is not a device to arouse God, to make Him aware of us and our needs. God is always aware of us and our needs. God is always aware. The true purpose of prayer is to arouse us, to keep us aware of our obligations - toward our community, our people, our God, and even toward ourselves. Prayer is a means of keeping us spiritually alert and morally awake.
These words of the Dubner Maggi hold a deep truth that I would do well to heed. Too often I try to shape my words to God in order to try and shape God Himself. I talk, but little I listen. Many people believe prayer is merely talking to oneself.  How tragic that while I believe that prayer is one of the few things actually capable of taking one beyond oneself, all too often I am indeed holding a conversation for one, not worshiping the One. Not because He is not listening, but because I am not. The cacophony of noise I create leaves little room for the still small voice. I know so well what I want.  But filled with distractions I cannot be empty enough to be filled with Him. I yearn for more but focus on the yearning not on the One I yearn for. I know, but knowledge without action is merely whispers in the void.
May I learn to pray in silence. May I learn to focus on my obligations and not solely on my desires. May I stop praying with empty words and start praying with meaningful action. May I be more in the ways I need to be more and less in the ways I need to be less.
Lord, hear my prayer, may I hear your Voice.

Peace. 

Auld Lang Syne (Part 2)

Dogwood.
Ok....a couple more books....
Collected Poems: Gerard Manley Hopkins: I've always considered Spring and Fall one of my favourite poems, but didn't delve too deeply into the Hopkins repertoire....my mistake. Beauty, grandeur, profoundness, all to be found in these lines. The world is charged with the grandeur of God....just one of the poems I memorized this year and my favourite one to contemplate when I go for longish nature rambles. I find myself praying many of these poems....

Now...on a much more frivolous note...
Generica: (Novel) Will Ferguson: Sharp like a knife humour to be found here. The premise of the book is that a self help book that promises to show its' readers how to; quite smoking, loose weight, find love, advance in career goals, and find inner peace actually works. Once published the results of its' nefarious influence an apocalypse is unleashed upon America. Very witty off-skew humour. If you enjoy weird and funny and black you'll enjoy this book.

Orientalism: Edward W. Said: Not really fair to include this yet, as it's more a potential than a sure entry....I've just started it. But from a few Said articles I've read recently, and the strong opening I have a feeling that it will make the list. I can always edit it out later if I change my mind (: I enjoy a good critique and am interested in intellectual tradition and communication, therefore a good critique of intellectual tradition and communication seems right up my alley.

Ok....I think that does it for books. I read many others of course and many of the many were also wonderful....but these are the ones I've chosen to write on. Stay tuned for Music, Movies and Photos......

Auld Lang Syne (Part 1)

Favourite coffee shop to read at.....Pane E Formage

I've always been a bit of an aficionado of the year end "best of lists". Through them I've found some great movies, books, music, art, etc that I never would have otherwise. Also there's the pleasure of shared agreement with the choices or the pleasure of knowing how much better you could do at this list thing, the superior feeling of knowing that you would never put Mortal Kombat II on your list....so it's time to put my money where my mouth is and present my humble list of the years' best finds. In keeping with my love of randomness my lists won't presented in a neatly binary or metric based "10 of" format.
The number of items on each list is completely arbitrary as is the order in which they are presented....it's enough to make the list - I don't think I could fairly categorize the items on in it in a sequential manner.
So today's' list is
Great Books I Read This Year:

Blue Like Jazz: Donald Miller: This is a beautifully written book that shows you can be passionate about your Christian faith without being a cookie-cutter/pew-warmer/ignore the rest of the world/churchy person. Miller has a knack for being irreverently reverent. One of my favourite scenes in the book is where Miller and friends set up a Confession Booth on an university campus. A Confession Booth with a difference; rather than take confession from visitors to the booth, it is the Christian (pseudo-priest) inside the booth who confesses their own ineptness in following Jesus in such a way as to make His love clear.
The Swallows of Kabul (Novel): Yasmina Khadra: A haunting fable like tale that exposes the horrors of the fascist theocracy of the Taliban. Through the tale of Moshen, his former-lawyer wife Zunaira, the jailer Atiq and his wife Musserrat the author shows the difference between the strength of faith and the danger of religious extremism. Sparse prose that is all the more impactful for its' minimalist style.
Christ and the Media: Malcolm Muggeridge: I cannot believe that I've never come across this book before. The interaction of cultural forces and spirituality has long been a fascination of mine and the presentation of this subject here is top notch. This little book is amazingly witty while still remaining a trenchant critique of media culture and its' power over culture at large. It reminds the reader of the constant need to be aware of the influences we subject ourselves to. Very powerful, very well written, very needed.
The Dogs of Babel: (Novel) Carolyn Parkhurst: Another fable like novel, this one exploring the realms of grief and loss. Paul Iverson becomes convinced that as a linguist he can teach his dog, the only witness to his wife's death, how to talk. His hope is to find answers to unanswerable questions. A meditation on life, love, coming together and falling apart. Bittersweet and strange and all the more beautiful for it.
Selected Readings from Soren Kierkegaard: What more to say? Challenging, thought provoking, stimulating. The basis for many a great conversation can be started with a Kierkegaardian quote.

More great books to come tomorrow.....

"And homeless near a thousand homes I stood"

square drop
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

The Roman Historian Publius Cornelius Tacitus once observed; "They made a wasteland and called it peace.” These words can apply to souls as well as to countries.
My struggle lately could be called a literal jihad; a holy struggle within ones’ self. And the price for a wasteland peace is too great a one to pay. Nor is it a real peace, peace that deeply abidith….wasteland peace is more like the stillness of the void....

Questions:
I wrote about physical homelessness a couple of days ago, but what of spiritual homelessness? Why do I feel as one adrift on empty waters when I long to be one sailing unknown seas but to a sure destination?
I yearn for a spiritual community in which I will rise to the deepest depth of true serventhood. But why not here? Why not now? I search for God where others have found Him; is it that I do not have eyes to see, nor ears to hear? Why can’t I just be content with what is offered before me? Is it because I don’t want to settle or is it because pride hardens my heart? Do I long for more because I want to honour God, or myself?


How are these lines of T.S. Eliot to be interpreted, concerning my life?

Where is the Life we have lost in living?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
T. S. Eliot

Are they a call to continue the path that seems to lead onward through the dark night of the soul? Or are they an admonishment for me to get over myself? To start living what is here and now? I know that, in part, the answer lies in inteniality...I am not being intentional with my life and that must change. But the cycle of questioning continues...how to move into intentional spirituality, relationship, growth, outreach. And whose intentions? mine or His? How to make those one and the same......

Somehow I know there is more, and still I will search for it. May I be open to finding it wherever it lies….whether it be in front of me all this time or whether I must leave the known and traverse a new path. My heart longs to beat in it's true spiritual home and my soul to sing in the shadow of His wings….

to be continued.....

P.S. The title is a quote from William Wordsworth.

the fox has his lair and the lion his den......

homeless
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

Homelessness. When I pass the sidewalks of the downtown East Side my heart breaks.
I look at the wreckage of one lost soul after another and wonder how did it come to be this way? How did yesterdays' child become todays' junkie? What does it do to the spirit to be without a home or even hovel to call your own? What does it do to the soul to see people pass you by with no more thought than they give the refuge lying about their feet. What does it do to the identity to know that when you die you may not even have a tombstone bearing your name? A name you might not have heard in years.
Last month I had lunch with a homeless man and he just kept repeating: "I'm Russ. My name is Russ. People won't even look at me, but I have a name. You can't pray for me without knowing my name, please remember it's Russ." I remember Russ. I see you. Or I try to. Because sometimes, many times, I'm one of the multitude passing on by. My hands more like those that drove in the nails than like Christs' own. How can this be? How can I allow myself to be indifferent. I know I care. I know I burn with passion, but now it is a cold blue fire. I search for the tools that will make me burn white hot. For Russ. And for all those whose names and faces I don't know, whose faces I've not looked into, whose names I didn't take the time to wonder about.
God forgive me.
For I know what I do not do.

more later.....

Thesis blog photo

thesis blog photo
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

Well. Here she is. My albatross. My weight of the world. My Sisyphean task. My Thesis. All the cards are comments and quotes....and the layout is my attempt to organize into thematic categories....
So it goes....had coffee with a friend and was secretly relieved to hear that she's even further behind in this dissertation endeavor than I am....oh the guilty pleasures of schadenfreude....(I'm not the only one behind! YaY!)
Of course as penance for my gloating, I'll sort an extra 20 cards tonight (: It's worth it.

that's all folks......

sun

0002
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

Just a little poetry today....one of my favourite Hopkins pieces.

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;

And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;

And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

Wabi

broken (a piece of work by a local artist I admire)
Originally uploaded by wabi6.

Leonard Cohean, Mosaic, Wabi......three different facets of a theme that's resonating with me these past few weeks.

Last night I attended a church service called Mosaic, a service for those who would feel marganalized by church society and probably just society in general, come to think of it. The premise of the name Mosaic is that broken things brought together become something of great beauty.

Wabi is a Japanese word. In the book "They Have a Word for It" (aside, this is a must own book) Wabi is described as the beautiful, distinctive, authentic flaw that distinguishes the spirit of the moment in which this object was created from all other moments in eternity.

Leonard Cohean weaves words that are music before even the first note is played... his song Anthem tells us to "Forget your perfect offering / There is a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in."

So these strands weave a rope which moor my spirit to a tenious understanding of the unfathamable love of God. The cracks in my own soul, the doubts the questions, the discontent with living life just as it is, the yearning for something more....can I learn to let the light in?
.......
more later